Tag Archives: sad

Funny how a melody sounds like a memory


I need to reflect on everything that’s happened in the past week.  Instead of making another list of things to do or things that I have accomplished, I might as well publish it.  I made the executive decision to not return to Canisius.  I would be lying if I said that typing or thinking about it for too long doesn’t make tears well up in my eyes.

 It was the hardest decision I have made -ever.

I decided that fashion was too big a part of my life to leave behind and return to school yet again.  I came to the conclusion that I could not live with spending another $12,000 dollars for transfer credits.  I am no longer enrolled.  I am curled up in a ball on my couch in my floral jammie pants and a slight mess..

No, I’m not going on welfare and never leaving my house.  I refuse to give up on my plans although it feels like I may have at times.

I made the executive decision that might result in me being clinically insane and I am taking on a TWENTY-THREE Community College credit courseload, between Herkimer County Community College and Niagara County Community College.  I left behind my friends and moved back home.  I am fake smiling as often as possible, because I refuse to admit that a part of me seriously thinks it’s possible I made the wrong decision..

But I did what I was supposed to do.  I was mature and analyzed everything as best as I could and I refused to be Lauren Conrad on the Hills.  I would not sacrifice my “internship to paris” or my oppertunity for a boy, for a social life, etc.  I needed to take this plunge, and leave the past 15 weeks of my life behind.

I am finishing my Associate’s Degree in Fashion Merchandising and then hoping that FIT or LIM intervenes.  I got a job at Ann Taylor last week, and I had an interview at  BCBG today.  I have one at Coach later this week.  The fashion horizons are expanding, so why do I feel so miserable?

I just need to get over this hump.  I need to survive the awful feeling of loneliness  knowing I can’t cross the quad and be at my best friend’s dorm.  I have to realize that the screaming of my 3 year old brother in the living room bowling with a plastic ball and pins has replaced the similar sound of slutty spandex covered girls breaking their necks in impractical heels in the morning.  It’s not all bad.  I  have a queen sized bed.. that I have to share with my 10 year old sister. Instead of my great relatable roomate.. No, that’s not a good example. I have no drama? That’s a good thing.. I also have no life.

Well, it should come as no surprise if I am admitting that on cyberspace that I’ll be back at Canisius trying to keep my composure this weekend.  I am just visiting.  I don’t have the option of backing out now.  I am sure that if I went back to school I would be having regrets too. I keep getting e-mails from teachers filling me in on what I missed in class or have to make up, because they must not know I dropped out.. The 6 chapters and 3 papers I would have had due for Wednesday would have been a painful dose of reality after weeks of Netflix and web surfing, but I have to be honest. I want it back.

And with 23 credits you can bet anything that I will have it soon enough. But before it was worth it because I knew other people were enduring that hell and I was thriving even when I struggled.  Now, I have almost 50 year old parents, an orange cat, obnoxious siblings with their elementary through high school issues, and nobody to complain to, because I did this to myself.  

At the beginning of break I had started a count down to when I would return to school, is it too early to start one for when I can move out again?

The issue is it could be anywhere up to 7 months before that happens and not even a job at Kate Spade (the one I want the most, yet don’t have an interview for) could make me smile the way inside jokes with my best friends would.  I was warned.  I knew what I was signing up for, when I made the phone call and withdrew.  Why did I do it?

John, if you’re reading this I’m starting to think: you were right.

If you care, my nails are pink.


Want a tip?

Don’t tell your grandparents when you decide to go tanning.

It wasn’t like I called them up and said “HEY NANA AND PAPA I WENT TANNING IN A CANCER CAUSING MACHINE.” But I might as well have. I answered the phone this afternoon, they asked what I did this afternoon…

Well.

I started saying I went to work,  then I continued into how I went to school until 3 and slipped in there that I went to lunch with my friend (Chineseeee), had pedicures and tanned.

Tan.

That was the magical word that spun into a 5 minute speech about cancer and ruining my life.

Isn’t that up to me?

I said it completely casually. I didn’t mean to draw attention to the fact I was tanning. My cousin tans. Who cares?

I’m complaining. I think this is stupid. I don’t do anything bad or illegal. Can’t I tan? Good Lord. I’m not orange, I just bought a 3 month package. I started today. I’m not even pink!

They couldn’t have told me about the UV rays drying my nails or the acetone fumes that are going to make me high in the remover?

Oh, they could have. But no.

Btw, if they freaking cared my nails are pink.

AND I HAD A FABULOUS DAY.

AND MY OUTFIT WAS CUTE.

AND I KNOW NOBODY CARES BECAUSE I’M JUST GONNA DIE OF CANCER NOW -apparently- BUT THERE’S MORE TO MY LIFE THAN BAKING IN A MACHINE.

 

AND MY NAILS SMUDGED.

Fml: Allison

The side effects of prom hair


Now that I am revived and on a normal sleep schedule, I am back again to blog :). Not much has happened since Sunday night, it’s been great haha! Monday morning I slept until 10, I love saying that. It was so “not productive”. I needed it. I had high school in the afternoon, of course. That was a snooze.. Same people, same place, different work sheet, different chapter. I think the shorter amount of time I’m at school for, the longer it seems. My eyes move to the clock on the wall almost the instant I sit down. Tuesday, Andrew had an eye appointment in Utica. It was at 9 and since Utica has a mall I went along for the trip ;). I had some skirts to return and I had Victoria’s Secret free panty coupons. On the way back, we stopped for lunch. I was so incredibly full as we drove home, I couldn’t possibly function enough to go to school. I mean it’s a bore as it is, but throw in a full stomach and a crazy sleep schedule from 2 nights before? No thank you. Some how some way I convinced my mother that I can make up any work I miss in less than an hour, which is practically true, and she let me stay home. I don’t know why Andrew got to stay too, but I think it was an all or nothing deal. My parents were preoccupied with the new Realtor, they’ve changed the price on our house AGAIN and are insisting we will have a sale in 30 days. I hope they’re right, but I can’t help but feel they’re being completely unrealistic. I don’t know why anyone would want to move here, with the crappy schools and the small town bull. I love our house, that isn’t the issue at all… I just think I would be scared to move to a town where half the houses in it are for sale.

Today I was much more productive than my last 2 days, and it’s already 12 oclock. Ogg (my baby brother) has the nerve to wake me up at 8, and I’ve been going ever since. My mom has been packing stuff in boxes, I made an 8 page list of all the stuff I am going to need for college.. but I just realized I forgot to put an iHome on there so maybe the list will get longer.  I set up my debit card so I can check the amount on it through an app on my phone, I set up a savings account *GASP*, I got myself looking put together and fabulous in my new Ann Taylor patchwork blazer, and even breathed every once in a while. The only thing I wish I could’ve done but didn’t?? Gotten rid of prom hair.

I believe prom hair is a real thing. I’ve washed my hair like 20 times since prom and it won’t go back to it’s original form. I blew it dry, straightened it.. used conditioner, didn’t use conditioner, tried 3 different shampoos, and scrubbed with my fingers. Nothing is working. I cannot get the bottle of hairspray out of my hair. At least I can say that bottle of hairspray was worth it, my hair looked great.. but the aftermath? Is gross! I feel like I can’t get my hair completely clean. This was another reason I was excused from attending highschool yesterday afternoon.

I looked up some ideas online for curing said prom hair and I’ve decided because lemon juice didn’t work last year and I’m out of carbonated water (2 methods) I might need to try Apple Cider Vinegar. *BLAHHH*

Cue the gagging noise.

I hate apple cider vinegar. Just the 3 words next to each other sound repulsive. I can’t be on the 1st floor of the house when my parents decide to clean the coffee maker with it, and I refuse to gargle with vinegar of any type when my throat is sore.. but that’s how bad my hair is. My roots are growing in -already- and I don’t need to draw any more attention to that with additional hair spray and grease. UGHHHH.

If anyone has any brilliant ideas, I may pay the $15 and get a macadamia mask and renewal hair treatment on Saturday.

Pretty soon I’ll have sunk $300 dollars into this head of mine. Smh.

Allison