Funny how a melody sounds like a memory


I need to reflect on everything that’s happened in the past week.  Instead of making another list of things to do or things that I have accomplished, I might as well publish it.  I made the executive decision to not return to Canisius.  I would be lying if I said that typing or thinking about it for too long doesn’t make tears well up in my eyes.

 It was the hardest decision I have made -ever.

I decided that fashion was too big a part of my life to leave behind and return to school yet again.  I came to the conclusion that I could not live with spending another $12,000 dollars for transfer credits.  I am no longer enrolled.  I am curled up in a ball on my couch in my floral jammie pants and a slight mess..

No, I’m not going on welfare and never leaving my house.  I refuse to give up on my plans although it feels like I may have at times.

I made the executive decision that might result in me being clinically insane and I am taking on a TWENTY-THREE Community College credit courseload, between Herkimer County Community College and Niagara County Community College.  I left behind my friends and moved back home.  I am fake smiling as often as possible, because I refuse to admit that a part of me seriously thinks it’s possible I made the wrong decision..

But I did what I was supposed to do.  I was mature and analyzed everything as best as I could and I refused to be Lauren Conrad on the Hills.  I would not sacrifice my “internship to paris” or my oppertunity for a boy, for a social life, etc.  I needed to take this plunge, and leave the past 15 weeks of my life behind.

I am finishing my Associate’s Degree in Fashion Merchandising and then hoping that FIT or LIM intervenes.  I got a job at Ann Taylor last week, and I had an interview at  BCBG today.  I have one at Coach later this week.  The fashion horizons are expanding, so why do I feel so miserable?

I just need to get over this hump.  I need to survive the awful feeling of loneliness  knowing I can’t cross the quad and be at my best friend’s dorm.  I have to realize that the screaming of my 3 year old brother in the living room bowling with a plastic ball and pins has replaced the similar sound of slutty spandex covered girls breaking their necks in impractical heels in the morning.  It’s not all bad.  I  have a queen sized bed.. that I have to share with my 10 year old sister. Instead of my great relatable roomate.. No, that’s not a good example. I have no drama? That’s a good thing.. I also have no life.

Well, it should come as no surprise if I am admitting that on cyberspace that I’ll be back at Canisius trying to keep my composure this weekend.  I am just visiting.  I don’t have the option of backing out now.  I am sure that if I went back to school I would be having regrets too. I keep getting e-mails from teachers filling me in on what I missed in class or have to make up, because they must not know I dropped out.. The 6 chapters and 3 papers I would have had due for Wednesday would have been a painful dose of reality after weeks of Netflix and web surfing, but I have to be honest. I want it back.

And with 23 credits you can bet anything that I will have it soon enough. But before it was worth it because I knew other people were enduring that hell and I was thriving even when I struggled.  Now, I have almost 50 year old parents, an orange cat, obnoxious siblings with their elementary through high school issues, and nobody to complain to, because I did this to myself.  

At the beginning of break I had started a count down to when I would return to school, is it too early to start one for when I can move out again?

The issue is it could be anywhere up to 7 months before that happens and not even a job at Kate Spade (the one I want the most, yet don’t have an interview for) could make me smile the way inside jokes with my best friends would.  I was warned.  I knew what I was signing up for, when I made the phone call and withdrew.  Why did I do it?

John, if you’re reading this I’m starting to think: you were right.

18 should come with a warning label


Why am I awake right now?

It’s 3 am. The world is fast asleep and my mind wont shut off.

I’d like to think this is the part of me that turned 18 last night, way too mature for sleep.. but of course its a friday night/saturday morning and I have little homework that needs to be accomplished.

Or little homework I have the motivation for accomplishing.

My birthday was wonderful.  Everything I could have hoped for. Cupcakes and glitter filled cards. Pink envelopes and pink laptop/keyboard covers.

My friends and I had a movie marathon. I wore a lace top and purple shorts.

I was happy.

I bought 2 lottery tickets and broke even, winning $2 back. 

I will go to the mall tomorrow, to return a few items. Which will undoubtedly result in buying a few as well.

I am happy.

I am awake.

Yet it’s 3 am.

Being 18 should come with a warning label, life doesn’t make any more sense than it did when you were 17.

Just go with it.

Allison