Cats and cares


I’ve been volunteering at a cat shelter in Lockport since June 2018 and have wanted to have a furry friend of my own for years.. I was finally provided with the opportunity to adopt one thanks to my awesome landlord, who kindly let me bring one home just after the start of 2019. This was one New Years change that I could get behind… it’s the judgment filled resolutions on the other-hand that I’m not a fan of.

Oh January- aka the season of drastic weight-loss goals and kale smoothies… At 24 I’m in the last year of my “early twenties” and almost constantly thinking about what I am working towards/what I have to show for 2 and almost a half decades on Earth, January just seems to put a spotlight on what I haven’t amounted to. This unhealthy perception of myself, disguises itself as initially motivating and inspiring, but is ultimately harmful. I know that I have tons to be grateful for and quite a few things to be proud of, yet there is a voice in my head that tells me that I am not enough when I compare myself to the standards that I want to meet. When I read other people’s instagram captions or tweets exposing just a little bit of this self-ridicule I feel sad, but understood. One of my good friends always says that I need to stop being afraid of learning. You couldn’t walk before you could crawl… So why don’t we talk about loving ourselves while we put in the work and being proud of ourselves more and our limiting beliefs about ourselves less?

To bring this back to my new cat Bruce… he thinks I’m pretty cool almost all the time. Bruce doesn’t care that I haven’t posted on my blog for nearly 2 months. He doesn’t realize that January is known as the time of year to set unattainable intentions and wallow in self pity for allowing another year to go by without winning a Nobel Peace Prize/losing 50 pounds/moving to an island in the Caribbean. As long as he is taken care of and I give Bruce attention and Purina Cat Chow he is happy with me. This love without limitations and lack of judgment may seem like a lot of credit to give a fluffy feline, but really it just goes to show that sometimes even animals can be nicer to us than we are to ourselves.

My resolution for 2019, although delayed and something I was unaware of setting initially, is to love myself more. I am more aware than ever that I need to mute the voice that tells me that losing 10 more pounds will change everything. I fully acknowledge that going into this year I need to turn to God and ask him to help me through life’s struggles. I am going to strive to trust Him and myself enough to just let things happen, because I will love myself more. I cannot control it all or do it all and I need to just be proud of me for doing the best that I can.

I don’t completely credit social media or society as the reasons for this twisted viewpoint that I, and many others, have started to have about ourselves. I know the negative messages and constant reel of images telling me I will never be good enough contributes to my own self-judgment, but if I say it’s all them and not on me then I can’t change it. In order to really change this going forward I am going to make intentional decisions about what I expose myself to. In the past I have allowed myself to spend hours on Instagram, an alternative reality of sorts, and just compare and reprimand myself. I have allowed myself to pick apart my clothing size and hair and lack of the latest and greatest… I have chosen not to acknowledge that doing the dishes and keeping my own home clean are still accomplishments, even if they seem small.

It’s somewhat painful to write this post out because I pride myself on having confidence and try to seem like I have it together by posting the perfectly filtered curated photo online.. but I struggle. We all struggle. When my friends use self deprecating statements I like to say back to them “Be nice to (insert their name here). I like him/her.” I hate to hear the way they put themselves down, when they are such great people. Why isn’t the same true for me when I internally “talk” to myself? This needs to change, I refuse to let my orange oversized kitty love me more than I love myself.

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Christmas Traditions


I CANNOT BELIEVE CHRISTMAS IS 9 DAYS AWAY. I am somewhat prepared; 90% of my presents are wrapped and the snow has fallen, so we are *almost guaranteed* a white Christmas, but still, how did this happen? Less than a month ago it was 60 degrees!

Since December 1st I have been way too emotionally invested in Hallmark Christmas movies (that shouldn’t be a shocker, considering my last post) and baking cookies galore. I fondly recall similar memories from 10 years ago, but at that time it was just my mom and I at the Mohawk house… there were probably young kids wailing in the background. These days I am watching most of the cheesy movies at my apartment with my friends (I threw a Hallmark movie party this past Thursday -shout out to The Christmas Cottage!) or my roommates’ dogs, but I still enjoy the traditions. As time marches on, some things this time of year just stay the same and I love it.

My sister Jenna and I, next to a potential candidate for the Deutschman Family Christmas Tree of 2017.

 

Cutting down and decorating the tree together as a family, while seasonal music plays in the background, is one of my favorite traditions and childhood memories! We hang cheesy homemade ornaments next to ornate glass bulbs -probably received as gifts, because lets be honest my parents have 5 children and would never have purchased such fragile items themselves- and I love the authenticity of it all. The wooden cranberry balls, gold strands of beads and white dazzling lights tie all of the chaos of the otherwise clashing hanging decorations together and that makes our house feel even more like home than usual.

 

This year my parents and all of my siblings -except for Andrew because he’s lame and claimed he was sick- trekked to a tree farm a few towns over and scoured for the perfect ficus. We took a four wheeler/sleigh ride through the commercialized wilderness, threw snow balls, and stumbled upon our gorgeous 9ft tall fir tree, from this point forward known as Tim Burr.

~That’s another one of our traditions; we name our tree each year. There have been some gems! For example, Ka-tree-na, Needles, etc.~

My parents and I, selfie-ing while braving the elements on our tree hunt.

 

I didn’t always have an appreciation for these little things. I can recall a year when I skipped out on going to get the tree, another year where I complained more than I actually decorated. This new development of gratitude probably comes to most people with age, I think that’s whats happening with me.. but anyways, this Sunday when my extended family -aunts and uncles, cousins, siblings and multiple generations of parents- and I gather at my Nana and Papa’s house to frost some sugar cookie cut outs *they’re seriously THE BEST.. the secret is lemon extract*, I will enjoy it even more.

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How do you celebrate this time of year? What are your favorite traditions?

Why I won’t apologize for being an old lady at heart


It’s another raging Friday night… I’m on the couch in a hoodie and fuzzy slippers, babysitting a little boy who lives down the street. I might sound like a 16 year old desperate to make some extra cash, but actually I’m *newly* 23, pretending to adult (by working a 9ish-5ish job) and I am very content. When I detail the mellow start to my weekend some people smile and others feel bad, but I won’t apologize for being an old lady at heart.

I don’t think I ever had a wild phase. Sure, while I was on vacation in Costa Rica a few years ago I consumed way too many Tequila based cocktails and I can let loose with the best of them, but drunk Allison walked back to her condo, changed into pajamas, and walked back to the bar. I feel like that’s pretty representative of me, but now I’ve learned even better. Why go out to a gross dive bar (where I’m going to stress about my drink and who my friends are talking to) when I can wear comfy clothes, drink wine and play scrabble in the comfort of my home?

I don’t watch Jeopardy too often, but I totally get the appeal. I have yet to get on board with Wheel of Fortune, but just give it time. I have my favorite shows. I’m a big fan of going to Bingo and I wouldn’t mind if I could work it into my weekly routine. To try and fit in with my peers I attend trivia nights, as they’re more socially acceptable, but I get pretty competitive. Whenever my family goes camping I like to play on the shuffleboard court, practicing the big leagues in a nursing home one day. And I’m not sorry. I’m a really fun time between the hours of 8am-10pm, and after that I’m probably in bed, or have fallen asleep on the couch.

I started reading the Bible recently. I like sweeter wines and gin (probably not together, but I’ll try anything once). I love pearls and large earrings. What I’m trying to say is I probably fall into most grandma stereotypes and for a brief period of time I may have tried to change that, but lately I’m feeling to old to care. This is me, old at heart and loving it.

I’m always going to be the mom of the group and I thrive on planning. I will cuddle your babies and dogs and I will love them, as long as I can give them back. I would only like to have a boyfriend so that I could shop for him and dress him. I rummage the clearance racks wishing I could get a senior discount. I prefer to go shopping on weekdays at 11am when the stores are dead. I wear red or pink lipstick and unfortunately sometimes it gets on my teeth.

So yes, I do need to mentally prepare if we are going to fraternize with the youths in a scummy underwhelming dimly lit super loud bar. And I will tell you that I think cover charges are the stupidest thing ever, especially in a city as small as Buffalo. But you can’t say I didn’t warn you. I am undoubtedly an old lady at heart.