It has been a very long time since I blogged (almost a year) and I am nearly at a loss for words. This is ironic, even amusing, because a lot happened in my life during my absence.. a new job, death in my family, a break up.. but I am unsure of how to adapt those experiences for online publication. I never felt this way when I would write on my site before, but perhaps the natural censorship and desire for privacy that comes along with adulthood has finally made its way into my online presence.
I had a difficult time returning to my blog initially because my laptop crashed in May 2019 and I waited until October 2019 to purchase a new one, due to the financial burden and, quite frankly, lack of motivation. I spend 8+ hours a day on the computer at work, it was… dare I say… REFRESHING to be unable to spend even more time behind a screen. On the other hand this felt like an incredibly long hiatus to try and explain once I did have a laptop in my possession again, especially when every other influencer I followed seemed to be posting consistently. Successful bloggers and media gurus rarely expose the strain that can come along with publicly documenting so much of your life. There can be unwelcome opinions and pain from rehashing life events in front of a less than forgiving audience, that gets to hide behind the cloak of anonymity. I hope that by divulging that I have been struggling with putting out content over the past year and deciding against exposing some of my life events online another influencer will feel less ashamed for taking time off as well.
In November I made the decision not to renew my website’s hosting services, after a costly and frustrating experience with HostMetro. This decision led to my previously designed Headway layout being incompatible with WordPress’ free hosting and ultimately left me feeling disappointed. I lost my Clearing Preppy’s Name logos and branding with their cursive pink writing and pearls, as well as my clearingpreppysname@gmail email address that was hacked, giving some cyberbot contacts and connections I spent years establishing. These were symbols of my blog’s identity for just under a decade.
When I did consider writing online again I was somewhat embarrassed and kept thinking “What are my goals for this post?” and “What am I trying to address?” instead of just ranting about whatever would come to mind like I had previously. Writing mindlessly was a wonderful escape for me and I thankfully didn’t abandon it all together, rather I switched to good old fashioned pen and paper during my time away from my blog.. keeping journals stuffed to the brim with the rants and emotional documentation of the highs and lows of the past 6 months instead. Arguably, I should have been keeping these records for myself since the formation of my site, maybe even instead of publishing it all for the online world to see. Thankfully I don’t think there’s anything too exposing out there, minus embarrassing photos and over-exaggerated opinions on preppy fashion. With a new mindset now I wonder if I have forgotten how to write publicly without considering who will be reading it though. This might not be a bad thing. The youthful naivety that once allowed me to openly post my thoughts and opinions has been slightly tainted by life lessons, but I don’t regret them. I’m just learning more about myself and my needs. I am so glad I didn’t stop writing overall, but the writing is now just for myself, as it’s an incredibly therapeutic creative outlet for me. And I simply am not willing to share everything online anymore.