Funny how a melody sounds like a memory


I need to reflect on everything that’s happened in the past week.  Instead of making another list of things to do or things that I have accomplished, I might as well publish it.  I made the executive decision to not return to Canisius.  I would be lying if I said that typing or thinking about it for too long doesn’t make tears well up in my eyes.

 It was the hardest decision I have made -ever.

I decided that fashion was too big a part of my life to leave behind and return to school yet again.  I came to the conclusion that I could not live with spending another $12,000 dollars for transfer credits.  I am no longer enrolled.  I am curled up in a ball on my couch in my floral jammie pants and a slight mess..

No, I’m not going on welfare and never leaving my house.  I refuse to give up on my plans although it feels like I may have at times.

I made the executive decision that might result in me being clinically insane and I am taking on a TWENTY-THREE Community College credit courseload, between Herkimer County Community College and Niagara County Community College.  I left behind my friends and moved back home.  I am fake smiling as often as possible, because I refuse to admit that a part of me seriously thinks it’s possible I made the wrong decision..

But I did what I was supposed to do.  I was mature and analyzed everything as best as I could and I refused to be Lauren Conrad on the Hills.  I would not sacrifice my “internship to paris” or my oppertunity for a boy, for a social life, etc.  I needed to take this plunge, and leave the past 15 weeks of my life behind.

I am finishing my Associate’s Degree in Fashion Merchandising and then hoping that FIT or LIM intervenes.  I got a job at Ann Taylor last week, and I had an interview at  BCBG today.  I have one at Coach later this week.  The fashion horizons are expanding, so why do I feel so miserable?

I just need to get over this hump.  I need to survive the awful feeling of loneliness  knowing I can’t cross the quad and be at my best friend’s dorm.  I have to realize that the screaming of my 3 year old brother in the living room bowling with a plastic ball and pins has replaced the similar sound of slutty spandex covered girls breaking their necks in impractical heels in the morning.  It’s not all bad.  I  have a queen sized bed.. that I have to share with my 10 year old sister. Instead of my great relatable roomate.. No, that’s not a good example. I have no drama? That’s a good thing.. I also have no life.

Well, it should come as no surprise if I am admitting that on cyberspace that I’ll be back at Canisius trying to keep my composure this weekend.  I am just visiting.  I don’t have the option of backing out now.  I am sure that if I went back to school I would be having regrets too. I keep getting e-mails from teachers filling me in on what I missed in class or have to make up, because they must not know I dropped out.. The 6 chapters and 3 papers I would have had due for Wednesday would have been a painful dose of reality after weeks of Netflix and web surfing, but I have to be honest. I want it back.

And with 23 credits you can bet anything that I will have it soon enough. But before it was worth it because I knew other people were enduring that hell and I was thriving even when I struggled.  Now, I have almost 50 year old parents, an orange cat, obnoxious siblings with their elementary through high school issues, and nobody to complain to, because I did this to myself.  

At the beginning of break I had started a count down to when I would return to school, is it too early to start one for when I can move out again?

The issue is it could be anywhere up to 7 months before that happens and not even a job at Kate Spade (the one I want the most, yet don’t have an interview for) could make me smile the way inside jokes with my best friends would.  I was warned.  I knew what I was signing up for, when I made the phone call and withdrew.  Why did I do it?

John, if you’re reading this I’m starting to think: you were right.

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